Published December 6, 2006
who she is, I have no idea,
but she brings me cigarettes and a reason to smoke.
the reason, of course, is
to combat the slow decay of reminiscence,
so that I may kill myself with something tangible.
sometimes she wanders in,
sits down next to me and tells me stories of death.
still, she gives them endings
that make me smile and feel bad for doing so;
she's trying to trick me into having a conscience.
one particular tombstone tale,
- an epilogue, as I have come to call them -
about a horse and it's heavy jockey,
was the best by far, and she thought so too,
because she laughed for hours after telling it.
The jockey, currently
confined in the hopeless shackles of third place,
decided to jettison himself, hoping
to lighten the load and give the horse a chance;
the horse won, he died, and the crown went wild.
She doesn't have a name,
there is just a series of noises I make when
I want to call her, and they sound like I'm dying.
Cough, splutter, and there's a cigarette in my mouth
immediately, while she silently watches.
I'll die one day,
all because of her.
She is regret.
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140,848 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
the title and the idea are both amazing. "to combat the slow decay of reminiscence,
so that I may kill myself with something tangible" was also very well done. however.
i think that maybe you should just re-write it. it seemed kinda forced. i really don't like the last stanza. work on it, though, the idea is way too good to waste.
I originally started reading this poem because of the title. I loved it, especially as a smoker.
Parts of the poem sounded kind of hokey like the "she brings me cigarettes and reason to smoke, and that is of course..."
blah blah blah. Why should I care?
However, other parts I really liked either because the imagery or mentality or emotions it expressed were really cool/well done. For example "to combat the slow decay of reminiscence,
so that I may kill myself with something tangible. " I really liked.
Personally, up until the third stanza (the one about the tombstone tale) it seems like its all really forced, until the last line of the stanzas. It seems like in all of the stanzas your last line is the most powerful. The whole third stanza was really good, I liked the emotion as well as the vivid imagery, as well as the fact that it isn't just "Oh no, feel sorry for me" crap.
The stanza about the jockey (stanza 4) in my opinion is a bit superflourous and has no reason to be included, and just adds extra verbage to the peice. I would either heavily edit it or cut it completely.
The fifth stanza is fine, and the last stanza I didn't really like for some reason. I liked the emotion behind it, but I think you could probably say it better. If you rework/reword it it'll probably be fine, otherwise cut it out compeltely.
Keep Writing,
Dan